I’m not afraid to die. I’m just very excited to be alive.

I’m in a flight with VM. This would be our second or third flight together. So I don’t know patterns, fears, behaviour. He told me he’s afraid of the take-off. Likes to touch wood (real wood) with all five fingers in moments like these. And planes aren’t made of wood. I then remembered – he’s always been afraid of death. I asked him why. And he said – Heer (our mother). No other reason. He can’t remember why he felt that way as a child. But now – for Heer. Also told me that we shouldn’t take the same flights.

Made me wonder. Am I afraid of death? Turbulence worries me. Happened just a few minutes back. But I don’t think I am afraid of death. I think about life. About being alive. About waking up the next morning. And it makes me very glad. Excited. Giddy. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

I think about people. And maybe VM is right. There’s Heer. And there’s more people who’ve shown me new versions of life. And that means – there’s many more I’m yet to see. I’d like to be around and see those. I’d also like to continue sharing this with the ones I’ve met.

Death also reminds me of the concept of legacy. I don’t think I care too much for it. I don’t come from a place where legacy was of huge influence. In fact, there was no legacy. No person or philosophy to last long enough or impact wide enough. I come from bits and pieces. And jugaad. And optimism as a way of life. So death doesn’t scare me. I don’t think about what would exist beyond me.

I do think about what I can create in my time here. And for that to be larger than myself. Despite being in training to learn to be more selfish. I do believe that the meaning of life, as Scott Adam’s defined it, is to be useful. In my life, I’ve been most engaged when I’ve given a shit about something. A person. An idea. A business. (Not really a plant, but maybe that’s your jam).

Theres no turbulence now. I’m freezing though. Making a mental note to carry socks. And only wear blissclub on flights. I’m thinking about how my emotion towards death is of indifference. But towards life – very recently – it’s deliberation. And that’s been a cool way to live. Really.

I fell asleep after this. Woke up to touchdown. And went home to Heer.