It’s 9.05 a.m., and I’m at Versova Starbucks. I’m feeling good about today, especially because my calendar says it’s time for coffee. I’m not a maniac, I’ve just been off coffee for 2 months now. My doctor said all my gut issues would be fixed if I could skip coffee. So I did. He allowed me one every 10 days. I aim for 14.
The funny thing? It’s been really easy to NOT break the streak because I often wait for the right moment to indulge. And those are rare.
Today, I’m thinking Ginger Ale Cold Brew. Or Matcha Expresso. Haven’t decided yet.
As for this note, I don’t have anything particular I want to talk about. When I stepped out of home and sat in the rickshaw, I felt good. Despite some things that have been bothering me lately. I think it’s something about an early Sunday morning. And this song I’ve been obsessed with – listen.
Today, I will write. And see where it goes.
Just yesterday, I was talking to someone about how our minds build an ‘ideal self’ at the age of 10. Different context. But it made me think of mine. Hate to admit this but my ideal self is an early riser. Even the cool women I looked up to (on the Internet mostly, not around me) were early risers. Growing up, I did not know or care about the utility. It just seemed like the sensible thing to do (superficially, yes). Failed miserably, till about last year. Now, I’ve made peace with 7 a.m.
OH I KNOW WHAT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT.
Two people asked me how I’ve been lately. Not strangers, but friends. And I decided to write instead of respond to them 😀
Here’s the thing – I do not know what to tell a friend or acquaintance when they ask me how I am. It’s not that I struggle to hold a conversation. I’ve had multiple (older) people actually tell me the opposite. But, it’s the how-are-you // hows-it-going that I struggle with.
My problem? I do not know where to start. Do I tell you how I’m feeling at that exact moment? Or am I supposed to have a middle-ground response that doesn’t reveal too much but also tells you enough?
If you meet me rarely + don’t keep up with my little life on the Internet, how do I tell you what’s going on?
No, it is not a judgement. It is an honest question. What do you want to know? Because I do have an answer.
I’ve been really good. The aggregate of my mental, social, physical, and social health is an upward curve. With lows and all of course. I’ve got specifics under each but the short answer is that I’m good.
This has been true for a couple of months now. Since I moved to Bombay. I will digress for a second. Sometime last year, ADM asked me what are 3 things I want more of but don’t have yet. In life, in general. This was my response –
1/ Access to people – I was living in Bangalore, slightly far from the city. Heavily socially deprived. For over a year. It was a choice I had made. If you met me at my weakest, I just wanted to be able to meet a friend for coffee without having to re-orient my life.
2/ Access to places – same as 1, now that I think of it. My friend should’ve pushed me to think more. But yeah, I think I wanted to travel more. Even if it meant in the city. The best example – more things like that night trek I did. Skandagiri. I would’ve liked to see more of Bangalore.
3/ Money – no reason. I remember thinking – could always have more. So, that.
Now, when I say I’ve been really good since I moved to Bom, it is because I got 1 and 2. Now that you know that I have an answer, I will tell you why I struggle. I struggle because I do not know how to give this context to everyone. Or if I am even supposed to.
When I’m asked hows-it-going, I do not know which version people are signing up for. Do you REALLY want to know how it’s going, or should I pull out my small talk game?
[If RS is reading this, I’d like her to know I’m having a LOT of fun writing this.]
Coming back. The specifics.
A/ My physical health – I’ve fallen sick more times since I moved to Bom. I recently got a full body check-up and I can confirm that it’s no biggie. I’m surprisingly doing okay. Even the nasty haemoglobin levels that have ALWAYS been low are in the normal range, for the first time. I do have a Vitamin D and B12 deficiency but I’ve been told that it’s quite normal. So, that. I’ve not enjoyed falling sick. Throws me off my routine. But I think my body is just getting used to the weather + being out and about. So I will not be harsh on myself. Just continue to eat beetroot 😀
Oh, there’s more. I walk a LOT more in Bom than I used to in BLR. I eat clean, very often. (I am VERY aware of my privilege when it comes to eating healthy food). I don’t run often enough, but the few times I have run at the beach, I’ve felt absolute joy in my heart.
[Update: I got Vietnamese Cold Brew. And I’m happy to report that it did not disappoint.]
As for my runs – I’m supposed to be strength training along with cardio. I don’t do that. I don’t enjoy upper body workouts + believe gym to be AT LEAST a side hustle, if not a full-time job. I think I will find a middle ground – swimming or Yoga. If I keep running, it would not be good for me. Need some muscle.
B/ My brain – I think I am more engaged + happy because I get to meet a lot of people here. I also get to choose who I surround myself with. My metric – meet people who give me energy. Not sofa people, as George Mack would call them. People who drain your energy so much that you need to lie on the sofa to recharge.
C4E and people of C4E have a way of attracting the non-sofa people. So, that.
C/ With work, while I am engaged, I’ve struggled to gauge how I am doing. And so, a few months back, I decided to take it one day at a time. And that worked for me.
The goal is to just go to bed each night knowing I did an honest job. That I did what I said I would do. And when I’m struggling to do this, I remind myself of these two things, among others –
Matt Damon on winning the Oscar – https://x.com/bpoppenheimer/status/1655288185642012674
AND
D/ I moved into a new home last month. And I’ve enjoyed coming back to it. At the end of a long day. I think that’s all that matters. (I have more to say here, but parking the thought. For another day.)
E/ Some more things that come to mind but don’t fit a box –
- I want to meditate every morning. I don’t enjoy it but I know it helps. I’ve just been inconsistent with it.
- I want to write every day.
- I want to become more confident + unafraid.
That is all. That’s how I am doing. And that’s what’s going on. Now, homework for me – to figure out what people mean when they ask me how it’s going. It REALLY can’t be that hard. If you have the answer, find me and DM? One way to reach me is this.